Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
