Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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