Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
