Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
