No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
