I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
