he wants to bone in the snuggie
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
