The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
