Cold hands, warm shart.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
