did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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