So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
