i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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