2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
