it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
