I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
