I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
