Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
