I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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