We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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