I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
