I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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