Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
