I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize