so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He felt like a one man threesome
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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