dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
