HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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