My hand turned me down
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
