you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
