That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
