I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
