So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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