I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
