one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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