mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
