I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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