I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
