Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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