So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize