Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
