my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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