Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
