I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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