he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
