dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize