remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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