i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
