Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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