I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
