A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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