you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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