Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your cock deserves a montage
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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