The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
