I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
