my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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