My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize