also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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