I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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