i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
