I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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