its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
