i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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