I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
