he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
