I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my being single is dangerous.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
