That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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