everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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